Me and Camus: Echos of Absurdity

Portrait from New York World-Telegram and Sun Photograph Collection, 1957

In the midst of tears, I once pondered, "What if I don't exist?" This question, while seemingly intricate, carried a profound weight that lingered in my childhood memories. At the tender age of 5 or 6, loneliness enveloped me as neither my father nor my mother stood by my side. I found myself sobbing, yet not for my solitude, but for an inexplicable reason that lay beyond my comprehension.

As I sat on the swing outside my modest home, waiting for a father who never returned, the world presented itself as a daunting place. My early years were marked by abandonment, as my mother departed, leaving me and my father to navigate life's uncertainties. This period of adversity forced me to confront life's essence, grapple with my thoughts, and seek understanding in a world that appeared enigmatic.

But why did I weep for the notion of my absence from this world? While the exact origin of this thought escapes me, what remains is the image of a young child conversing with themselves, pondering life's enigmas. Among the musings, a recurring question emerged—what if I had never been born? Where would I go? How does nonexistence feel?

Recently, I stumbled upon a book on existentialism by Vincent Martin (2003), which led me to delve into the writings of Albert Camus. Curiously, Camus's ideas echoed the long-forgotten memory of my childhood tears. As an atheist, Camus asserted that the world defied ultimate explanation, leading me to question if his perspective holds merit.

Camus's assertion of the inherent inability to truly comprehend the world resonated with my ponderings. Does his conviction ring true? Does the world indeed withhold complete understanding, leaving us to grasp at fragments of reasoning? His words, "I never knew," encapsulated the essence of seeking understanding in a world that eludes definitive explanation.

Vincent Martini, in his work "Philosophy of Existentialism," shed light on the concept of absurdity. The sudden awareness of the monotony and futility within daily existence is what drives individuals to confront the absurd. Could it be that in my innocence, I was already grappling with the weariness of existence? This notion unveils the essence of my initial question—what if I never existed?

Despite seeking solace in these philosophical explorations, the root question of my nonexistence remains unresolved. Perhaps it's time to accept that some questions are beyond resolution. Embracing the uncertainty aligns with Camus's belief that the world remains shrouded in mystery.

Through the trajectory of my childhood reflections and the teachings of philosophers like Camus, I've come to realize that the depth of a child's imagination far surpasses that of adults. As we grow, we lose touch with the profound musings of childhood and become preoccupied with worldly matters. Yet, embracing the uncertainties and mysteries of existence, as I did during my introspective childhood, offers a path to deeper insights into the nature of life and the essence of being.